Words From the Porch

10 years…………..

Wow. I have been thinking about this for a month or so. That I am actually to where I dreamed of being. To where I couldnt ever envision myself of being. A decade. A place that seemed an eternity away. A place that I wanted to get to fast in my quit, yet I didnt want time to take me there quickly. 10 years. Oh my God. And I say my God, because He is the one who gave me the strength to quit. He gave me a brain to use and reason with. And the courage to look myself in the mirror and say, enough! Im lying to myself no longer!! I knew there were no more excuses. I knew there could be no more denial.
It was in February, 2002. We were having a very harsh winter. Cracking the sliding door off the kitchen that faced north thinking I was blowing smoke OUT..when in reality it was all blowing back in along with the frigid air..my fingers freezing and stinking. I knew I was nuts. I knew this was stupid. For years I knew that some day I would quit smoking. Or did I? Did I really? I had smoked since I was 16. Probably really wasnt hooked till 18. But so what? I made up for lost time.by gradually working my way up to 2-3 packs a day. Oh, Id tell myself that Id just light them and Id NEVER smoke them down.usually only half or two thirds down. And I was a CLEAN smoker! Oh yes!!! I would crack my windows in the car. Keep spray with me so when I picked up the kids and they might have a friend with them I could have the car smell good. Even swept the ashes off the back seats! And when I was outI ALWAYS blew my smoke up in the air and would wave it away from others..with a look on my face of Im so sorry.oh my, the last thing I wanted to do was offend a non smoker.after all, I was a good smoker. I was considerate. I would ask if I could smoke somewhere. I would always offer to drive of course so I could smoke. I never sat around my kids and smoked. I was good. I wasnt hurting anyone. Anyone but me. And that was the denial part. I guess I thought if I did penance by being so conscientious , no harm would come to me cause God knew I was a good person and that deep down I really wanted to quit. Funny the lies we see later. Id tell my girls that smoking was bad. But I wasnt bad. That was true. But when they would beg me to quit smoking, I would give them my empty promise of some day I will quit (big smile , kiss). I couldnt say the truth that I finally faced later..that I was a drug addict, was scared to death of quitting, and loved smoking so much.that I didnt even care what the people I supposedly really loved were saying. After all, I was a good person, and some day I would quit smoking. Some day. Off in the future. Dont think of it now. Shew! Put away for another few months of denial. And so the lie of smoking and addiction continued to recycle and replay in my life. My husband was a dream. He knew that only I could quit. It must have killed him to wonder why I couldnt see the truth. Or to hear the some day lies I told. Hed say youll never quit. That was later. He never ragged me. But I knew it hurt him so to see me smoke. Not until I quit did I realize that it wasnt because I couldnt see the truthit was because I REFUSED to see the truth. By even starting to see the truth.that would mean..maybe I DID have to quitomg was I stupid? As long as I was in denial of my addiction I didnt have to face the fact that I was lying to myself or how stupid I was to smoke. Crawling under those covers of denial is so comforting. I would feel so secure. After all, smoking helped me with everything. I loved it!
10 years have passed. Much has happened in my life. Both daughters got out of high school and are now out of college. Empty nest was so so hard. I missed them so much. My marriage survived one of the worst things that could happen to a marriage and, thank God, is now thriving. My Mom passed away. My family now seems distant at times. But I survived. And I have MY family. My husband and two wonderful daughters. I got through this and all the rest of the joy and sorrow of life without smoking. That was one thing I had. That was one thing I will keep forever. I have waited for this magical day. And it is. Because I have come a long way and I AM proud of myself.
I let go of 5 balloons today. I watched them go up in the sky until I could hardly see the last two. On each I had written a word. One was a person’s name. One was a word I’ll keep private, and the others were regrets, guilt, and past. I watched them go away from me. It felt so uplifting. I said goodbye. It is time. Today is a great day. Thank you God.
Thank you to all of you who have given me your love and support. I could not have done this without you all and BV. I will never quit again. I will not put myself through that torture and sorrow ever again. I quit once on the first REAL try when I was READY to quit. And THAT is the ONLY quit I have in me and will allow myself to have.
Here’s to freedom!! Here’s to Choice!! Here’s to Attitude!! No one but us knows what we go through. I am proud of me. I am proud of all of us.
Thank you so much.
xoxoxoxo
marsha

ONE YEAR!! I Made It!

Well here I am FINALLY! I have made it to the Porch!!
I look back and I see so many resolutions to quit some lasting a day, a week, a couple weeks, maybe a month. I had one that lasted just
barely three months.
I have read of so many quit journeys here, I have admired so many folks that call BV their Home

It does feel like a lil community, a place where we know a bit about each other, our happy days, our hard days… we laugh, we cry and even
argue a lil bit now and then. Friends come and go… some come sneaking in for a peek now and then. I did when I fell off a quit I
would peek in just to see who was here.

I cannot name names, because sure as anything I will miss someone and feel horrible about it… but there have been people in my early days
that I will always hold close to my heart… some have solid quits, some are still struggling and I hope to welcome each of the not quit
yet to the porch someday!

The quit that worked for me just happened, I did not plan to quit, I did not even really want to quit at the time. I was home for several
months with vertigo… horrible dizziness, that made it impossible for me to work. I used up any and all vacation time, sick time… I used
it all… finally money ran out… roommate could not take care of everything PLUS keep me in smokes… so when the last smoke was smoked
I was finished smoking. That was December 6, 2010. No patch, no pill, just raw stop it! No more! Quit smoking cold turkey!

I was irritable, I didnt like it, but it was what it was. I decided instead of being nasty, emotional and crazy, I would be quiet… I
have always liked Thumper in the cartoon Bambi… If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all! Early in my quit I could
not choose to be nice, but I could choose to be quiet, so I did. I stopped in and said hello now and then usually on a milestone day…
but I really just hid myself away and let the quit take hold… I took hold of music that was relaxing and almost meditational, I found
a self hypnosis type thing that was quit smoking focused and listened to it alot… anything that put me in a calm, peaceful, quiet place
was my safe haven during the early months.

The time came to go back to work… dizziness was controlled enough I was safe to return to work… my first night back a co-worker offered
me a smoke… I turned it down, I was quit!

I am amazed how much work I can get done now that I am not constantly
looking for a smoke break. I have grown my hair longer and I am amazed how long my shampoo smells wonderful.. I never knew it smelled that good for that long!
Same with perfume… I no longer bathe in my nice perfumes a spritz or two and I am smelling good and saving alot of product.

I smile as I begin to write this part, I read it from so many others, but it is TRUE!!!

YOU CAN QUIT!

Yes, it is tough at first but it gets better! Just make the decision and then DONT LOOK BACK!

Now, if you will excuse me, I gotta find my rocking chair, my feet are killing me. Get on your journey and meet me here on the porch.

Come on!

Rambling along,,,

One year and one day,,,,

I think that in the decade I have spent on this site, the one thing that I know for sure is this; To smoke is a choice and to not smoke is also a choice. Success is dependent on making the choice to NOT smoke regardless of what life deals you. For sure, it has not been an easy year for me for a multitude of reasons, but I chose to not smoke. Every time I failed, it was because I wanted to smoke more than I wanted to stay free.

My advice today? A positive attitude is key. If I say I am happy, and healthy, and blessed, I am. There was absolutely nothing good about being a smoker. There was no benefit to it. I was simply an addict with no self control when it came to nicotine. Cigarettes really tried to convince me that I couldn’t live without them, and exactly the opposite is true. They were killing me. Maybe the damage they did is still working in my but I refuse to dwell in negative thoughts. I can be proud today that I am quit, and much happier for it. I no longer look at lost quits or years smoking as meaningful or useful information. Today, I am free. I want to stay that way. I can. It is my choice.

I owe a great deal to this site. It has been my quit smoking heaven and hell for more than a decade. I love this place and still, at times, see a glimpse of how it used to be. Cub reporters, A baker of cakes, campfires, rhino hides, jetting from place to place, and feeling the joy and pain of the quit. I love you Blairsville. Mean it.

To my soul mates…yeah you…you know who you are.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the wonderful celebration you prepared for me today. The congratulatory words, the food, the drink, the balloons, the fireworks, the doggies, the MEN (woohoo), the porch chairs (I have to figure out how to post picture, darn!) And, as importantly, thank you all for being here at Blairsville day in and day out with your thoughts, your cheers, your praise, your warnings, your forgiveness, your remembrances and your daily pledges. All of this has been part and parcel of this year-long quit of mine.
Several years back I had successfully quit for a year and a half and then threw it all away. There was no tragedy, no crisis that “pushed me over the edge.” Looking back now, and looking into my mind, I realize that I hadn’t ever really quit for life. I was just quitting until the time when I could convince myself that I could just smoke on vacation. Then my vacation would be complete. ARE YOU KIDDING ME! How twisted was that thinking? Then I thought I could smoke when I came home if I didn’t smoke “a lot.” WHAT THE HECK IS THAT? I thought if I only smoked a few, 5 or 6, maybe a bit more here and there, it wasn’t so bad. Didn’t I hear myself hacking? Didn’t I hear myself lying to my son, my mom, my friends, my co-workers, my students? Didn’t I see myself sneaking, planning, conniving to get that freakin’ cigarette in? OF COURSE I DID! I was miserable. I wanted to stop, but I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to stop “a little.” HUH? How do we get so stupid???? But the simple truth is not that I became stupid when I smoked, but that I WAS AND AM AN ADDICT. The only way to not smoke is not to smoke. How simple is that idea?
I came to quit again, metaphorically kicking and screaming. My precious son caught me again and again sneaking a puff or two on the deck. He ranted and raved each time. He made me listen to detail by detail the reality of living with, dying with COPD, emphezyma, and other diseases. At the time he was a research scientist in the pulmonary unit of Johns Hopkins. So I got plenty of details. He was also studying to get into med school ( which he did, by the way; he is now starting his second year med school at Howard University) So I got more horrid, ugly truths. And the final piece of ammunition - he threatened to tell my 87 year old mom. I was quickly coming up to 60 years old. My friend of like-age had recently died of a sudden diagnosis of cancer after a life time of smoking.
If this wasn’t the time, when the heck was??????
So in July 5 th 2010, I quit. Has it been hard? Darn right. In the beginning my motto was “if I don’t have one puff, there can’t be another.” One day at a time, one urge at a time. The days piled up, the weeks, the months. Bad times came; my Mom became sick (she’s hanging in, thank god); my son got sick ( he’s still struggling, but getting stronger AND with it all was at the top of his class) but I DIDNT SMOKE.
What is different this time? My mind, that’s what. I am not waiting for an opportunity to smoke again. I am going to live the rest of my life not smoking. Do I think I’m missing out on something good? No way! Do I still get urges? Sure I do. Do I plan to satisfy them? NOPE cause if I don’t have one puff I won’t have a second. And I know the urges will pass. I am one gratteful non-smoker and proud to be one of you!
Ramble done… God bless all of you!
Hugs,
Linda

365 days later: yep i am a fogey!

It’s all surreal to take this in……………. I am now, according to blairsville, a fogey. Or at least a young ‘ fogey’! I officially stopped ingesting nictotine on 16th March however I sought help via blairsville days before my quit because i was d so desperate for support . See message below. I want to thank all those that helped me on my way in the beginning, cheering me on. Positive support definitely helps. The online documents were good in helping me understand dangers & addiction. This site also directed me to another site which helped me understand nicotine addiction on a whole new educative level. in this respect, i am also thankful because blairsville is open to other sources to help its members.

Right now i am in a good place. My friend who died was the trigger to get my health back into gear. i remember a guilt riddled dicussion about the ‘ what if cigarettes’ caused my cancer’ and also a heart rending chat shortly before she died telling me to enjoy life to the full by respecting your health physically & emotionally. She died a young age, leaving her son ( 1.5 years) behind & new husband. Her advice struck a core cos at the time of her death all i was doing was being stressed and smoking. Since her death, i have become a changed person. I have started looking a life from different perspectives & take action to enrich what is good & throw away what is bad. First step was starting with my health. I cannot stand cigarets now or anything related to nicotine. I spent a good deal of time cleansing my body with sport, good healthy food & lack of stress. I enjoy life, smile more & take time for me & friends & family. My boyfriend likes the new me. in 7 weeks i will be a first time mother and i am so proud that i will be a nicotine free mother. My boyfriend gave up smoking on 2nd January & now understands my point about nicotine addiction & taking one day @ a time to deal with it. he realizes that things are doable if you break things down into baby steps and realistic perspectives.

For all you newbies out there, giving up smoking or not ingesting nicotine is not the ‘be & end of of life’. In fact, by doing it, your life begins because you regain your health back.

anyway, enough of me rambling. just wanted to say hello & give you an update. Donna :0)

—————–
THE BEGINNING:
Help me please
March 13 2010 at 4:46 PM

Hello all,

i am in some dire need of support to stop smoking. i am 34 years old. I suddely got a wake up call when i lost a friend to cancer ( not smoking related) and i realised that i am doing damage to my body by smoking. I have always been frightened of death but i am even more frightened that my bad habit will catch up with me sooner than later. i have tried since december to give up. not much sucess, 3 weeks straight, then started again, then a week on & off. there is so many reasons why i want to give up : live a longer life, be healthy to be with my boyfriend for a long time ( till old age), be clean so that i can have a clean body to have kids. could any of you give me encourgaement or somehow help me before i lose the will again to stop. the only postive thing that i have managed is to take up sport ( almost 3x a week ) to keep my drive & also it puts me off smoking before and after sessions…

many thanks Donna