Words From the Porch

My Very Long Ramble

I’m in shock folks, I really am. I can’t believe I made it to the porch! And, because I made it to the porch, I have to produce a ramble … so, here goes.

Although Jerry suggested I start with, “There once was a gal from …” I totally lack the literary ability to complete the first two sentences! I’ll be the first to admit, I am NOT and I do repeat, am NOT a writer! Unfortunately, this is going to read like a very long (and bad) novel!

Back to the beginning of my addiction to cigarettes…In the summer of 1969, my older sister had just experienced a very painful divorce. She wanted to get out of Dodge for a fresh start but didn’t want to go alone. Even though I was a very young 15 years old at the time, she managed to talk my parents into letting me go with her. For reasons still unknown to me to this very day, she wanted to go to Honolulu, Hawaii for her fresh start.

Up until that point in time, I had never left the state of Pennsylvania! I was born and raised in a very small town – total population at that time was most likely around 500 and that is counting dogs, cats, chickens, and throw in a goat or two for good measure. We were raised with parents very similar to Ward and June Cleaver; life was good; we were a good, solid, Southern Baptist family. If you looked up the words “country bumpkin” in the dictionary, you would have found my picture.

So…off the two of us go to the “big city.” My sister, by the way, was (still is) drop-dead gorgeous. Seriously, one day at the beach a Japanese tourist wanted her picture and autograph because he thought she was Natalie Wood! She got the looks; I got the personality. J Enough said about that, although I’m sure the underlying emotions played a part in my addictive personality.

I started my junior year of high school in Honolulu – McKinley High School. I was a thousand worlds away from the little town in central PA. We were actually allowed to go “off campus” to eat lunch anywhere we wanted! During the first few days of school, I met a beautiful, sophisticated girl whose father was a chaplain at Hickam (sp?) Air Force Base. She and I quickly bonded, and the very first time she offered me a cigarette after having lunch, I didn’t hesitate one nanosecond because I wanted to be like her. She seemed to be so in control; so pretty; so blonde; so everything I wasn’t! I wanted to fit in. I smoked that first cigarette – Kool Menthol – and I never looked back!

Unfortunately, our stay in Hawaii was cut short (only 2 months) because my sister was offered and accepted a job as a flight attendant. She had to go to Minneapolis to train, and I had to go back home to the real world. And, of course, I went back to the real world as an addict. In that very short period of time, I was hooked. And because of that addiction, I ended up with the people who shared it – the party crowd. And with my behavior with the party crowd, I wasn’t exactly voted “most likely to succeed” as a senior, if you know what I mean! I honestly wish I had known all of this at the time because who knows what could have happened with my life if things had been different! What is it they say … “hind sight is always 20-20.” All those years of hiding behind the smoke; all those years of denying who I really was inside. I deliberately smoked because I wanted to be different; I wanted attention; the odd man out … well, I accomplished my goal. I’ve been the “black sheep” ever since!

Wow … this is really going to be a ramble! Fast forward to age 49 when just by chance I end up going to a pulmonary specialist as a primary care physician who routinely administers pulmonary function tests to all patients…regardless. I felt fine; I had no problems breathing but the PFT showed COPD – Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary disease. The good doc says, “You’ve gotta quit smoking.” I didn’t want to do it! I thought I enjoyed it! And then the governor of the state raised the taxes on cigarettes to help pay for Pennsylvania doctors’ medical malpractice insurance. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back! Since I felt fine, I couldn’t accept the doctor’s advice; but when it hit my pocket book – I took a good, hard look at it and decided it was time to give it up.

I did quit one other time in my life, but my heart wasn’t in it. I went to one of those group hypnosis sessions and stayed quit for 3 weeks. No irritability, no crabbiness, just breezed through the 3 weeks but then caved due to stress. (Didn’t have access to all the wonderful educational materials at the time!)

On February 10th, 2004, at 3:45 p.m., I had an appointment with a hypnotherapist. Did it help with my quit? I honestly cannot tell you if it did or didn’t. My heart and head says NO because no sooner than I was out the door, I wanted a cigarette. If the hypnosis would have worked, one would think she would have planted coping mechanisms for cravings. I craved like crazy! I was literally chomping at the bit by the time I got back home. But, I knew I had to quit … so I stayed the course. It was tough. The first couple weeks were incredibly tough. Talk about mood swings! Crying for no reason; couldn’t sleep, then couldn’t get out of bed! Mean, nasty, irritable….murderous at times. I didn’t know what I was doing half the time. All I thought about was smoking … wanting to smoke…missing that smoke….missing the times with my hubby we spent smoking together…It was pure unadulterated hell!

I don’t know how I found Blairsville other than I know I spent a great deal of time on the computer trying to find that “silver bullet” to make things easier. And I have to be honest, when I first started my quit, I didn’t know if I really wanted to do it or not! But after finding Blairsville and, in particular, reading the life experiences/stories of WebSkipper and Linda (a/k/a Litlestarr), my quit became very, very important to me. And I want to add Drinda to this too because she, along with WebSkipper and Linda, show us all each and every day the very real dangers of cigarette smoking. While it breaks my heart that all three wonderful folks had to endure (and will continue to endure) the consequences of their actions, I thank them for sharing their lives with us. Their experiences solidified my quit and for that I am very, very thankful. ‘There but for the grace of God, go I.’ (God Bless you, Skipper, Linda & Drinda!)

I made my very first post in Blairsville on February 19, 2004 at 7:40 a.m. “Help!,” I cried. Immediately to the rescue were BaltoMike, Bob Hart, Scott (anexs), DanR, Jerry, Gayla (where is she?) Kash, and Darlene. Talk about guardian angels….what a Godsend! And with the encouragement and support came lots and lots of wonderful links to “education.” I started to learn so much about the addiction … honestly, things I never knew before; things I never thought about! As I spent more and more time at Blairsville, the angels continued to appear … Rhonda, Yorkie, Donald, Nancy (where has she been?), Webskipper, Bubba James, John Devos, Frank M (where is he?), Suz, Christian (another, where is he?), Val, LarryBee, Rose, Leanne, Liz, Leesa, Wayne, Wrengirl, Carla, Portland Mike, Texas Jimbo, Kim in Texas, Pennsylvania Pam, LoveyD or Deirdre, a/k/a Mrs. Howell, Laurie, Nicki, Atriana (where is she?), Janice, Justin (where is he?), Maryellen, Iowa’s Sue, Earl, Maryanne, Lisa, Melanie, Dee (where is she?), billb, Rockin’ Robin, Gene, Drinda, Wanda, Dawna, Doris, Nurse Tess Wretched, Melissa Wolfe (where are you?), Craig, Tammy, Linda-2 (where are you?), Lola, Litlestarr, Jim D. (where are you?), Patti, Cheryl(2), Elizabeth, Sophie, Jane, Jonathan, Lindaloo, JustLisa, Per M.P., Rafe, Wendy, PatsyP, Glenn, Happy Helen, Spidey, Darlene, Ricardo, Gord, Tristen, Lenina, Debbie S., Tommyboy, Joanne, Johan, Sue(3), Shelley, Kim & Chad (where are you two?), Daveintoledo, and anyone else I might have missed. Each and everyone who posts is such an integral part of the community; it’s the sharing of thoughts, concerns, hopes, dreams and all the yucky stuff too that goes along with quitting that makes this place so unbelievably special. And we can “take what we need and leave the rest.”

A very special “thanks” must go to the Honorable Mayor Blair Price for hosting such an incredible website; and to Bob who created and maintains such a wonderful compilation of quit smoking information at Bob’s Place.

Thanks to Jerry whom I had the opportunity to meet in person last August. Just meeting him proved that the folks in Blairsville are real! I know that sounds funny, but there were many times I wondered if everyone here on Board was actually quitting or just sitting around smoking, drinking, and having fun with all of us! J Jerry proved me wrong! He was such an incredibly strong and steady inspiration to follow.

And another very special thanks to JudyQ and Marsha. At the beginning of my quit, even though I really wanted to stay the course, many times I was close to caving. Both of these wonderful ladies (without knowing how dangerously close I was), kept me on the straight and narrow. I’ll never, ever forget their help. Of course, at the beginning I didn’t believe either of them J but lesson learned – the fogeys really do know what they’re talking about!

And to my wonderful husband, Mike … a big thank you too because he put up with the witch from Hades for a very long time. And he’s so proud and supportive of me, for which I’m grateful!

During the past year I have learned many things … far too many to mention here. But two of the most important things I’ve learned are (1) you have to want to quit; I mean down deep in your soul; you have to make that choice for yourself and (2) you must be willing to fight for it. Your quit is yours – only you can do it. Not your husband, wife, kids, dog or cat but YOU. You cannot go into it half heartedly and think you can quit another day. Why? Because you might not get that “another day.” You get angry; you make up your mind to quit, and you do it. Smoking is NOT an option. Period. Move on. No, it’s not easy. But once you make up your mind to do it, have a game plan, look for and accept all the support and knowledge you can find, and for those of us who believe in a Supreme Being/Higher Power, PRAY. And hold on tight. Take responsibility. This is a fight – a fight for your very life and you must be prepared to do serious battle! If someone makes you angry and you cave, they’re not putting that stupid cigarette in your mouth and lighting it … you are! Don’t throw away your power on stupid, meaningless things! Stay the course because it is so worth it in the end! The benefits of quitting are immeasurable! Smoking is suicide … a very long, painful and expensive suicide. Why would anyone want to do that? Certainly not me!

The only problem I ever had with quitting was weight gain – 18 to 20 extra pounds on my normally petite body. My doctor (along with everyone else I ever knew) told me not to worry, that it would come off eventually. Well….guess what? In the last month, I’ve managed to drop 11 pounds. So, there is light at the end of the blubber tunnel after all! J

Will I ever smoke again? This is an addiction folks, a very powerful one at that, so I’m not going to ever be so full of myself to say I’ve beaten the nicodemon. I know this is a daily fight, no doubt one for the rest of my natural life but I believe with God’s help and the continuing support of Blairsville, I’ll keep this quit.

And I’ve learned two other very important things … I am a very strong person after all! For years I’ve thought of myself as very weak, shy, timid. But after this roller coaster ride of quitting smoking, I can honestly say I feel so good about my strength. It was obviously buried under all the smoke. It’s amazing how one’s self-esteem improves when you don’t smoke anymore! Oh how I wish my dad was alive to see this accomplishment of mine. He hated the fact that my mom and I smoked! He would be so proud of me; I know it!

And I’ve also learned that there truly are some wonderful people in the world. The people here in Blairsville are angels … okay, some with crooked halos, but angels nevertheless, and I am proud and happy to have met each and every one. I am also very proud and happy to say that many are now friends.

Okay, okay ‘nuff already … just want to thank everyone for all the wonderful encouragement and support throughout the past year. I fully intend to stay close to Blairsville with hopes of helping others as I have been helped. That’s the cycle of life, isn’t it? God Bless each and every one of you!

BTW, the view from the porch is spectacular! The sky is blue; sun is shining, lake is calming, air is fresh and clean. The folks here are the friendliest you’ll find and the beauty of it all? There’s room for each and every one of you!

Now …. Let’s party! Dinner at Ruby Tuesday’s tonight! Oh, and I forgot …. With that money I saved not smoking? It’s paying for a vacation March 3-11 at: http://www.sevenseasresort.com.

Love you all and mean it!

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