~My 1 year Ramble~

Has it been a year already? I can hardly believe I have actually made it this time.
My thanks and appreciation goes out to each and every one of you who gave support and just listened when I needed it. Blairsville was a Godsend for me, and I have google to thank, for on that lone night I was struggling and looking for support I found you wonderful people here in Blairsville.
Over the years I have attempted to quit several times, each ending in failure and me feeling like a total loser each time. But this time was different, I could feel it within myself, I truly wanted to succeed and I was determined to do it this time! First and foremost I did this for my health, and myself but I also did it for those around me who suffered because of MY bad habit. I did it for my wonderful partner who always supported me and cheered my success each month on the 20th, I did it for my poor innocent pets who had to put up with my smoking and never loved me any less.
Now everyone in my household breathes easier and smells much better I might add.
During this year I overcame a demon that had power over me for so long, I was actually afraid of missing this Demon as though it were a friend, I once thought it was a friend always there for me in times of Stress, sadness and even happy times, but thankfully I have come to realize this was NO friend of mine, it was an addiction and Im glad we parted ways! I mean who needs enemies with a friend like that?
During this year I learned that YES I CAN eat a meal and not smoke afterward, YES I CAN drive to work and not light up, YES I CAN socialize and not smoke.
What a wonderfully freeing realization!
So now I am one of those EX smokers that watch my friends smoke and think, Wow did I really look like that? Did I smell like that? Did I have that addictive mindset? The answer to those questions is YES I DID! Now when I am asked have you really quit smoking? I can also proudly answer YES I DID!
I have worked very hard for this day over the last few months, I had the porch in my sights since the beginning of this journey and here I am. Exactly 1 year ago I was saying YES I CAN and now a year later I proudly say YES I DID!
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My deepest thanks to all of you & to those just beginning this journey, never look back, always move forward and keep looking up then nothing can bring you down!
Please hold on to your quits because there is one thing I know for certain I NEVER want to quit again.

All my love & God Bless

Deb

I had my daughter Jennifer read my ramble and she made the comment that my quit is much more emotional for me than it has been for her, probably because I smoked so much longer than her. She smoked less than 10 years and has quit for 3 years. I think in part this is true and I also think she hadn’t lost as much of her self-esteem within that time before she quit. She made 2 attempts at quitting smoking for her 2 pregnancies and the second one stuck. I, on the other hand had lied and abused myself for so long with the smoking and quitting cycle, it hurt my self-esteem dearly. Yes, this has been a journey deep inside my mind, sifting through so much of the confusion left behind from all the years of lies to myself.

I came to (((Blairsville))) in the 4th month of my quit. I had quit many times before, in my 39 years as a smoker, doing cold turkey and also, with the help of many different quit smoking aids. My average quit lasted 3 months, with my longest quit being 5 months. I found myself approaching the 5th month mark this time around and started to become concerned about how I was to maintain STAYING QUIT. I had been reading books and articles about smoking/cessation and could not find an answer I could relate to. I had a good attitude at the start of this quit and the thought of failure was whittling it away. I started surfing the internet for information about how to stay quit and ran into (((Blairsville))).

And…how fantastic that was…for the first time ever I could have a conversation with a group of people who shared the same challenges as me to quit and stay quit. I would like to thank each and everyone of you for the understanding, care, and time of day you gave me to help me keep my quit. I will always be grateful for the times I’ve posted a Smoking SOS and you helped me get through the crisis’. There have been times I felt I absolutely could not have made it without help, for I had lost my purpose, I’d lost my focus. I get a fuzzy feeling whenever I think about you wonderful people being here for me during those critical times of my quit. I hesitate to list any names for the fear of accidently leaving someone out, but just believe that I have gotten good positive influences from most of you. You have been “The Wind Beneath My Wings” and I am in a much better place because of you and you and you.

One of the most valuable tools I got from (((Blairsville))) is the concept of ONE DAY AT A TIME. I had read about this, but I didn’t understand how I could apply this to my quit until I came here. I’ve been lying to myself for years about “this one being my last quit,”so how was I to start trusting myself now? Thanks to you (((Blairsville))), I finally understand that I can make the promise to quit smoking every day and it’s a promise that I can make stick. One day at a time is a positive and powerful mind game tool that an ex-smoker can take on in the fight against his or her addiction.

I kept a journal of my quit before I came here and I just naturally began to use (((Blairsville))) as my place to journal and as a sound post. This act has been very important to my quit. It has allowed me to slow my thoughts down and take a serious look at smoking/cessation and how it relates to me. The journal has been a thought process for change and adjustment, that has been so good for my soul. It has helped me to focus on my daily commitment to stay quit.
It’s is a natural thought and feeling process we all have to go through in order to adjust to a dramatic lifestyle changes. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, author of “Death and Dying” best describes this process as 1. Denial; 2. Anger; 3. Depression; 4. Bargaining; 5. Acceptance. She says all these feelings must be dealt with before you can move on with new big changes in your life and I believe she is right. I had to change more if my quit was to stand the test of time. In my 9th and 10th month I was finally able to accept all the responsibility for my years of smoking and for my everlasting quit. I have no more obstacles like excuses, lies and bargaining to get in the way of a crave. I can accept a crave and not have to worry about it threatening my quit. I know I still have a few triggers and craves to accept in my future and I’ll just keep plugging along and keep on accepting. I know that highly emotional situations are still a threat to me and I will keep a cautious eye out, but at the same time not let it stifle my growth and progress. I will keep on growing and keep changing stronger with every new day of my quit..

I am so happy I made it to the porch with all of my Old Fogey friends and I plan to work real hard to stay here. I hope to develop good strong friendships with some really beautiful people here at (((Blairsville))) and maybe in the process I can help someone else to reach their goal of staying quit and getting all cozy with us on the porch.

My goals this year will be to keep reaching for help, to keep learning and to keep changing. Quitting smoking has been a journey, a process deep within my mind, with its roots deeply imbedded in the here and now of *staying quit.* I now know if I take care of today, there will be no smoking in my future. And I am sooo looking forward to becoming even more comfortable with my quit and I am going to do it ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I have been successfully quitting for years…ah, but I have only stayed quit once and I want to thank ALL of you from the bottom of my heart for helping me STAY QUIT.

Hugs,
Susan S.
A very happy one year old Fogey

One day at a time, there is no need to hurry, quitting smoking is not about arriving at an end or destination, but more about the quality of my journey.

Wow! A year! I am still in shock. I am grateful to everyone at Blairsville that helped me to get here.
I really do think quitting smoking is the hardest of addictions to get over because of three reasons. Tobacco is so easily obtained. You don’t do completely stupid and unsafe things while using (like driving drunk). And, there are few treatment centers for us to get intensive support and care.
However, there are more aides out there to help us quit. And I should know because I tried almost all of them!
But, the one that helped the most was my support group at Blairsville. Even though I took Chantix, and I think it helped the physical side, I still had/have the addiction part. I couldn’t have gotten through some of the hardest of days and nights without you all.
I always look at things time wise…like ok a year ago I quit smoking. A year ago yesterday I smoked. Now that the first year is gone, I can say every day of year two that last year I didn’t smoke on that day. I have had to mourn that part of me. Growing hurts, that’s why they call them growing pains. But, I sure don’t want to feel again what I felt last year on this day!! I grew through it. And I will continue to grow I hope!
I smoked for 21 years. That is almost two-thirds of my life. I started trying to quit smoking three years after I started. I had a lot of practice for this quit. The longest quit I had before this one was four months. What was the difference this time? I wanted quit more than I wanted to keep being a smoker. So I used every resource I had. I used what I could from what others said helped them. Sometimes things helped, sometimes they didn’t, but I am glad it was all there.
I am still a baby fogey. I have a lot to learn about staying quit. I know that I am always in danger of losing against my addiction. I know also that I always have BV angels sitting on my shoulders to help me through temptations.
Thank you again. Words can’t express how blessed I feel to have this group, this quit, this new life.

This last year has been a huge challenge for me and for my family. Not JUST the quitting smoking, but it has been full of joys and heartaches, all of which I have gotten through without smoking. I am VERY proud of that. I feel so GOOD about being quit.

And yet, I still miss it at times…

Not to worry, I haven’t SERIOUSLY thought about having a cigarette in almost a year! That’s fact. I made a commitment here, and I intend to keep it!

I am really not sure what made it work for me this time. I’ve tried before, and even managed to cut down to like 5 cigs a day, but that’s as close as I got. And quitting this time, with the help of Chantix, was difficult, yes, painful-at times, yes, STRESSFULL, ABSOLUTELY!!! But DOABLE? YES, YES, YES!!!! (living proof right here!). I remember the day it hit me that I was REALLY going to do this…I was around 8 weeks into it and someone asked me how long it had been. I had to check the calendar! I had been keeping track so diligently, every day, I knew how many days it had been and then suddenly, I didn’t…it was great, that realization that I just wasn’t smoking…That was my NO TURNING BACK point.

I didn’t do most of the things that you’re supposed to do for a “successful quit”, like keep a journal, tell everyone so I would have support, have a PLAN, have a quit buddy, etc…The only people I told were my immediate family (just in case I didn’t succeed). My daughter Katie was my anchor-only 14 years old, but seriously, she was the strongest support I had-and I COULD NOT let her down. And I WILL NOT disappoint her now!

As time went on, it got easier, but it still amazes me how often I THINK about it. Not wanting to smoke, but about the fact that I quit, that I used to smoke, that I could have a relapse at any time, that I can never be a non-smoker, only an ex-smoker, and the regrets! If only I had it to do over, I NEVER would light up that first cigarette! (Do you know, I can’t even remember any specific details of the first smoke!) I want so desperately to just FORGET that I smoked for 20+ years! But, that is just part of who I am today, I guess, and I have to move on – SMOKE FREE AT LAST!!!

In the beginning I was bitter and lonely-felt like I lost my best friend (actually my two best friends) because my husband was supposed to quit with me and he did not manage to do so. It was a wedge between us-still is, actually, though I am coping much better. It was after a huge blow-out with him over smoking in my car (and letting his friends do so as well) that I went online looking for something, not sure what, and I found Blairesville accidentally. I was around 5 months along in my quit, but feeling VERY, VERY down and in need of some support. I found this site to be quite helpful…just knowing that others are experiencing a lot of the same emotions and trials helped so much. I do tend to lurk more now, and days go by that I don’t even peek in, but I know it’s there, and that’s comforting. Because although my husband is happy I quit (except when I turn into the *itch), he can’t possibly understand. The people of Blairesville do understand! And I thank every one of you for your words of comfort and support. I believe you all know just how much it means!

So here I am – 50 lbs heavier (DON’T let that scare anyone, I had a Thyroid issue that was the cause of most of that) and still much happier with myself. I really and truly CANNOT imagine myself starting up again-I’m not being cocky, I know that’s dangerous, but I just really DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK THERE!!! I am finding a new me still, and the fact is I think I like her better-she sure as hell smells better!!!

So, that’s my quit story, nothing too exciting or notable. I just made a stupid stupid mistake many years ago and finally found it within myself to TAKE MY LIFE BACK! And it feels SO good!!!

For anyone out there contemplating quitting-DO IT!!! You CAN do it, you will be so very happy, it’s such an accomplishment-I swear, I tear up when I think about it-I really am proud of myself! It is SO worth it!

Wow, what a journey this first year has been…this is a journey that is still very new and more special to me than I can probably even explain. This is my second trip to the porch as some of you know. And if anyone would have said to me when I lost that 1 ½ year quit years ago “you’ll be back, you’ll quit again someday” I would have said…”don’t plan on it.” As I explained to people over and over again back then (and even now), I LOVED smoking and if I died young, I’d die happy. Of course, I didn’t really mean that. That was the addict talking…here I am…back at it…quitting again…one day at a time, this time. I have given myself the proverbial “2nd chance”…this is my SECOND chance…I feel so fortunate to be here!!!

When I quit back in 2001, I really thought that was it. I had quit smoking. I believe now that I quit back then using sheer willpower, and that’s where I went wrong. I was talking the talk of a quitter, but I didn’t believe it underneath…or I didn’t believe in me…or something. I had found Blairsville but didn’t stay. I was depressed. I missed smoking. Life just wasn’t the same. I focused all my energy on the negatives. BIG mistake…for me, negative promoted negative…it made it WAY worse. I spiraled and finally failed. Did I regret it? Sadly, not a bit…then.

So what finally got me back to the point of quitting…F..E..A..R in the form of the “C” word…cancer. No, I didn’t get it, but I feared it…a lot. Darn it, I had over educated myself from my 2001 quit! I knew TOO much…I was SO much smarter after that quit and I finally started facing my addiction…because of my fear. I was finally, FINALLY getting it…something…and daily, seriously every day, at least once a day I thought about the fact that I could be lighting “the one” that could finally give me cancer. Not a good way to live, at all. So, in retrospect, maybe my 1 ½ year quit was a stepping stone to this point, it was the catalyst that got me to this quit, this good place I’m at right now. I’m DOING something finally…I feel so good about that!!! I’m proud of me

So…I quit. My sister was quitting and I didn’t want her to get ahead of me (sibling competition ) and I just said I pick 7/17/07…I love the number 7 and 17 in the year 2007…perfect. It was less than a week away and I just jumped in. I’ve found there’s always an excuse to NOT quit, you just have to jump and land however you land…wing it We all have our own personal reasons for quitting. You just have to hang on tight, as tight as you can, and always keep those reasons close…don’t let go…WHATEVER IT TAKES…and BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!

So that’s how I got back to quitting. Now, how have I managed to stay quit? There are two factors that I totally attribute my success to. The first is my attitude. While negative promotes negative, the same is true of being positive…I think I can…I think I can…hey, I CAN!!! It works for me I not only can, I AM! Along with my positive attitude, I read this book called “The Easy Way To Quit Smoking” by Allen Carr. THANK YOU (((Joanie))) for leading me to this book! This book spoke to me for whatever reasons. It was exactly what I needed to hang on to, at exactly the right time for me. It was almost like it was my little secret for staying quit…I can’t explain it. I was on the patch and ripped my patch off after reading this book…I was approximately 2 weeks into my quit. I never looked back. That’s not to say I didn’t have my share of cravings, but I was able to deal with them so much easier…they were just cravings…and I found if I didn’t focus on them too much, they went away much faster.

And finally, the second factor…it’s this place called…(((Blairsville))). What a special town, with the most wonderful, supportive people I feel SO lucky to know. This is my safe haven…you guys are my second reason for doing this, and feeling so good and happy about where I am today. You have helped me more than I can say! Each and every one of you has touched my heart, helped me through this process, to get to this point in time…my second landing on the porch I never thought I’d be here again. I thank all of you for helping me!

So…this is my journey so far. I hope this helps just one person because that’s what this place is all about…touching lives, helping each other, a shoulder to cry on, a wing to help lift each other Support is CRITICAL…I 100% believe this…it’s SO critical for success.

I’ll stop now but leave you with my favorite mantra. I had this for my last quit and found it when beginning my new journey…

…………..If I am determined to succeed, I will find a way…………..

Isn’t that just the truth? If you want this bad enough, you will find your own way to make it happen. I am finding my way…slowly…one day at a time

(((Hugs)))
Stephanie

HONOUR

It was a dark, rainy night and I was curled up with a book but not really reading. My mind was wandering all over that word…h o n o u r. Other words joined in the march – promises, failures, quits, shame, elation, frustration, and freedom.

I spent so much time quitting smoking…only to return to it…time after time. I quit for my children especially Andrew, quit for my grandchildren, tried my best to quit by choosing very special days with important meanings…anniversaries, birthdays, dates of a death in the family…only to lose it. I quit too because others bugged me to quit. I think of all the times I quit and made someone else happy.

But I remained miserable…and smoking.

So many thoughts! Why had I taken up this nasty habit in the first place? Why was I continuing it? Long after I knew it was affecting my health and my ability to laugh (a laugh always ended up in a coughing spell…and laughing was one of those things I enjoyed so much!) I still smoked.

The dastardly childhood years from age 6 to 14…age 6 when my mother died and left me with a family that didn’t want me. I spent days being in bed without food or water, suffered blows from a yardstick, strap, or cane that were meant to silence me and bring me into line with what was expected of me. Then there were the days of being shut down in a cold, dark, damp cellar hatch where all manner of bugs and mice crawled on me, dropped on me…and played havoc with my sanity. Screams and shouts meant a prolonged stay so I learned to be quiet…to find a shelter, a refuge from the assaults. My only salvation came in the form of a small bundle of wood that I stood upon and the light from that one little window shone on me…creating a feeling of safety, security. On a daily basis, to survive, I had to learn how to be silent and blend into the woodwork. I learned how not to attract attention…I became a nobody, a nothing and this was certainly reinforced when at home I was referred to as ‘the thing’. I had lost my name…and for quite a few years, I lost myself.

Yet, I had another life in my childhood; one that I lived outside the confines of that house. I had school…and my teachers. God bless every one of those people…especially Margaret MacKenzie, my grade 2 teacher. She is the one who gave me hope that good people, people who cared, still lived in the world. Miss MacKenzie loved the little stories I would tell. She encouraged me to write, and write, and write. I did and I still do. In those days, a teacher could have physical contact with the students and my hugs…the love I was missing at home…came from those teachers. I loved school and always did well because I was in a safe place. My happy place existed from 9 until 3:30 each school day.

Years later, out of the blue one day, I decided to quit smoking. I realized I needed to but it was a big step for me. Smoking had been, for so many years my shield between me and a world of hurting. I didn’t know that then…but came to understand that smoking had been such a pain killer for me. I could hide so well in my smoke filled world…and no one would notice me. It was my pile of wood with the sun shining on my face.

I accidentally stumbled upon Blairsville after giving up a quit and was trying to quit again. I came to BV and meet a group of people who were trying to quit smoking…just as I was. I learned that for a few, it was an easy task. There were others who had a difficult time, and they struggled through quit after quit. But the one thing I noticed was that they kept coming back looking for the same freedom from smoking that I wanted but didn’t know how to capture.

There were the early days of coming to the board where I found that I couldn’t ‘talk’. I had so much to say, so much to be rid of…and no way to say it. That’s when ‘Margaret’ showed up – the child in me who on occasion let the flood gates open to wash the hurt away from the early years of childhood in the telling. The hurts have lost their power, lessened with each recounting, every visit to the past.

To me, my life is like a well worn, very used and much loved quilt…intact and faded but still useful. I am that quilt – a Baltimore Album – a quilt full of meanings and experiences that the quilter is sharing with the world…much like my life and all the events that make me the person that I am today. Each piece has its place in the make up of the whole quilt.

I began life as a beautiful raw quilt that someone was making. I now realize I had a strong, loving, secure foundation but was smothered for a time, forgotten – shut away…but once uncovered; the substance, the person that was once me had always been there and still is. Though quiet for a time…perhaps too long a time…I am now stronger for my experiences, more confident and sure, decisive. I came to know that I was worth saving. I have value.

BV has played a major role in helping me realize that I could do it…I could save myself. My early days at BV helped me in teaching me how to quit. I’d post…and force myself to wait. One word or a few sometimes was all it took to help me hold on…a quick little response from someone. A simple hug sent my way made a day bearable. Often, there was no one at BV so I just ‘talked’ to myself in print. It helped. Studying what everyone else was doing and listening when offered advice, trying people’s suggestions helped me. I shared. I learned that by helping someone else, I was helping myself. I also learned how to ask for help. I stood up and spoke.

The most important things I learned at BV are that decision making, determination, and waiting make a quit successful but only if you stick with it. I learned that I am an addict and I feel that…which to me, is more important that just knowing it. I also learned the hard way that there is no such thing as ‘just a puff’ when you are an addict. To me, a puff is a carton or two…or three…as there is no such thing as one in my world. I’ve also learned - now that my skin is not covered with a smoke screen, it is as thin as tissue paper. I am easily hurt…and I had to learn how to take what I need and leave the rest. I had to learn how to read what people were saying…and how to write. Without the diversion of putting all the words in print these past few months, and in reading others’ posts, I may have become lost again in that smoky world again.

I knew I needed to quit….and stay quit if I wanted any quality of life at all. I not only had to find a way to quit but a reason and a reminder as to why I didn’t want to smoke. Honour is defined as the act of doing something to make somebody feel proud and pleased by agreeing to do something for that person. The person I want to feel proud of me is me. I needed to quit. I needed to honour me.

THM – To Honour Myself

For all these minutes, hours, days, and weeks, THM has helped me to put things into perspective. I am saving me by honouring myself.

How many nights lately have I stretched out in bed, tired from a long day…only to feel panic set in as my mind drifted to thinking about writing a ramble? What does a person say that adequately describes the feelings of reaching a whole year of not smoking? What does one say so that you will understand what it took, what I went through on sometimes a minute to minute struggle for weeks at a time to just stay quit?

And then I remember. I am talking to you and you will understand…as you are on this journey with me, doing the same thing I was and am doing. You have quit smoking. So have I.

The minutes, hours have stretched into days of learning how to wait…how to say no. I did it! I made it to my first year and am feeling so proud, so satisfied that I could just burst! It’s still almost unbelievable.

There are too many people to thank so let me just say this. To all the Miss MacKenzie’s, past and present, in my life, I offer you a heartfelt thank you. Each and every one of you is an angel who has touched my life in some way.

THM

I will not smoke today.

Marvella

THM - To Honour Myself.
A day is all I need to do. I need not worry about the future or fret over a lifetime of days. I need only worry about today.
I was and am a smoker who doesn’t smoke a day at a time. Thanks (((Jan my Jan))).

My One Year Ramble!!!!

The realization that I have quit smoking for a year is so overwhelming and the idea reduces me too tears.

I have never been one to finish what she starts. I have always had little or no self esteem. I have never had any faith in myself. I was told by my sister the other day that if the family had taken bets that I would have been able to quit or not I would be a rich woman! No one believed that I could do it! I started toying with the idea of quitting for at least year. I wasn’t told I had to quit but in my heart I knew it was time. I had smoked for 28 plus years. My sons HATED it and begged for me to quit. So I went to the doctor, got a prescription for Chantix and set a date.

NO one seemed to understand that when I quit smoking I was giving up my very best friend in the whole wide world! My cigarettes went everywhere with me. They were with me when I was so depressed that the only light I saw was the end of my cigarette. They were with me when I got my divorce. They were with me through everything……the good, the bad, and the ugly. How was I going to live without them? I set the 9th of March as my quit date. I couldn’t keep that date, I smoked two cigarettes. In my mind I had already failed. At 3:00 pm I smoked my last cigarette and crushed the rest in my pack and then cried my eyes out. It was over……….I was going to attempt to give up my best friend. I can’t imagine quitting without Chantix. It stopped at least 95% of my physical cravings! It sure didn’t do anything for the mental craving! I believe I detoxed just like an alcoholic would. I couldn’t sleep, I ate everything in site, I had the shakes, I was depressed, I sweat through my sheets every night for a week or 2 and all this lasted for forever (or it felt that way). My world was turned upside down. I was sure that I was losing my mind and that I was the weakest person on earth. How was I going to win this battle? One day at a time seemed to be the only way I was going to win and some days it was one minute at a time.

March 13th 2007 I found Blairsville! By this time I was going to cave and was looking on the internet for ANYTHING to hang onto. I never was one to ask for help and most of the time I don’t BUT by day 3 I had to ask for help or fail. I posted, I asked and the angels of Blairsville appeared. I have been there ever since. I lurk a lot (hence the name Lurking Linda) I hide behind my blue couch and take care of my dust bunnies. I have taken so much from Blairsville. I know that I do not give back all I receive and probably never will give back enough to repay the people of Blairsville.

One of my biggest battles seemed to be the numbers game. 3 weeks, 3 months, 6 months and 10 months seemed to be HUGE battles for me. The one and only time I quit and failed was at the 3 month mark. I know some people think they are only numbers. Too me they were much more than that.

I am here to tell you, that it does get better ( I hated hearing that lol) it gets a lot better BUT never get too confident cause the nicodemon will sneak up and kick your a$$. You will have moments that you are absolutely positive you can not make it one more minute without smoking; I am here to tell you a craving NEVER killed anyone (I hated that quote too) that quitting smoking is not a game of chance but a series of choices. You and only you, make the choice to smoke or not to smoke. I will NEVER be a non-smoker. I will always be an ex-smoker. One cigarette and I will lose everything I have worked so hard for. I mean who wants to go through hell week again? Not me!

I started to thank people individually and then stopped, the list was too long and I was afraid I would hurt someone’s feelings if they were forgotten. Just know that each and every one of you at some point where my guiding light. I could of never won the battle to this point without Blairsville.

This is my biggest accomplishment except my boys and I am damn proud of myself!

(((((((((The angels of Blairsville))))))))))))))))

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

WOW, I can’t believe it’s been 1 year since I started this most amazing journey. The many trials faced and overcome still surprise me.

I found Blairsville just like most of you did….got on line searching for information and I stumbled upon this life saving site……with these wonderful people who were supporting each other through the ugliness of quitting an addiction. I lurked for about a month before I introduced myself to the group, and I was welcomed with open arms…thank you.

During the early part of my quit there were so many things I didn’t understand., like “accepting a crave” and “smoking down your feelings”…..UH!!! What do these things mean?!?! So I’d ask…and being a slow learner I had to ask a couple times and mull it over…and yes, I finally learned how to accept a crave….”Whisper words of wisdom….Let it be”….and as I no longer smoked during times of stress, I learned what “smoking down your feelings” really means, didn’t realize I was doing that all these years.

Oh, and all those Friday nights!!!…… I just hated Friday nights…I dearly missed not being able to come home from work and chill out with my smokes…… that’s when the “uglies“ would hit big time. I would get really depressed about it and come to BV and just whine and cry about it, and someone was always there with a shoulder or an ear, both being greatly appreciated. Or the times I would post “When is this going to get better?”; my favorite response went something like this….. “Tuesday…which Tuesday?….the Tuesday after you let it go” ;o}……….Okay, so now there’s no specific time I can count on….jeepers…so until that Tuesday rolls around I will have to do “whatever it takes for as long as it takes“.

Every person on this board has something to offer, from fogeys, to the serial quitters, to the newbies….I have learned from everyone. The newbies letting me know I’m not alone, they know what I’m going through right now; the serial quitter, they keep coming back…that in itself speaks volumes; and the fogeys, having been through it, helped me to understand that it won’t always be like this, it will get better! Oh how I hung onto that promise, sometimes just by my fingernails.

I have watched the struggles and triumphs of people getting to “the porch” and knew it could be done, and that I to could do it, I just had to get over the fear. Oh yes “the fear”. How I overcame that battle was to take this quit “one day at a time”. I stopped overwhelming myself with “forever”, took a lot of pressure off of me.

I have so many to thank…Our Lord first and foremost for giving me the will, strength and courage to take this journey “one day at a time”. My husband Dave who has been not only supportive but so patient with me through all the b*tchiness and depression. ALL of you at Blairsville, how can I ever thank you for listening to me pour my heart out and getting me through those tough times. Giving me those pats on the back and encouragement that I so needed; the understanding, support, smiles and yes…even the recipes ;o}.

I toast to you..my Friends,

Joanie

Am I nearly there yet it’s been 35 years

Gasping for breath I filled my tiny lungs with smoke from the grey cloud that filled the bedroom. I was born a smoker. Dad went to heaven early, mum found it hard to cope and forgot how to love…

Leaving home to live with a bunch of artists meant there was just no escape from smoking. Each time I tried to quit I failed, so I gave up something else instead. I quit sugar, cream cakes, dark chocolate, onion soup, red meat etc until there was very little left to give up, except for cigarettes that is. And they were all I had left in this world, I believed I would never be alone if I had a cigarette.

A different approach was needed, perhaps something to keep my hands occupied. So I taught myself how to knit, (but still smoked). I took classical guitar lessons… I had to give that up (needed the money to smoke)… I promised to stop when my children were born… but couldn’t, my precious, precious cigarettes.

Last year I visited the doctor with an ear problem, turned out my blood pressure was higher than rocket fuel…. He sent me to see Nurse Ratched, who gave me some patches and said to come back in a couple of weeks. I smoked like a fish for a week. Then had a phone call from her to see how I was doing… I lied. Sick of lying I read a few things on the Internet, and was surprised by the amount of lies used to support both sides of the smoking/non smoking debate. Stumbled upon Blairesville and jumped in, never been on an Internet message board before, way to shy and introverted to be honest.

I never realised how smoking effects emotions, how overpowering they become. Weeks of crunching carrots and crying. Returned to see the Nurse (a smidgeon late) I passed the test, my blood pressure was still high but I wasn’t smoking and as rocket fuel and naked flame don’t mix, my little part of the planet was relatively safe for the time being. I came to realise that I was fighting myself, the addiction was part of me. The harder I fought it the more damaging the blow would be in return. Its still here beside me now, (hello dude) we have learnt to live with each other, he behaves himself so do I. Sure we have our little disagreements every so often but nothing major, we just agree to disagree. Eventually my quit became a quest, I’m not looking for a cigarette replacement (because there isn’t one), I’m searching for an inner peace, one without cigarettes.

… can’t thank you all enough for believing in me and for giving me the confidence to believe in myself. The understanding, loving people of Blairesville have got me this far, what ever happens next I am deeply in your debt for these past 12 months… I have said this once before, if I have touched the hearts of anyone here, then be sure to know that you have touched mine.

take care dudes

Kevin tobacco proof (I wish I was)